A gripping adventure story starring James Lee Pig as Mr Fix It All Up and Marvin Marblesons as His Incompetent Assistant...

with special guests: Powerful Pete as The God of Common Sense and Clarence Clodpole as The Little Brother.

Dawn breaks in sunny Brum as our dauntless duo rise at the painful hour of 7.00. Their mission: to transport all the junk left in their former home, Pylon View, to a storage facility in darkest Walsall.

They don their ugliest clothes (they have plenty of choice) and leap into their Fadesmobile to pick up Powerful Pete, who has kindly offered extra and much-needed common sense and lifting power.

8.00 Our heroes arrive at Powerful Pete's flat in Quakerland. He leaps into the Fadesmobile and they hurtle up the motorway towards the glamorous land of Walsall.

8.45 The Fadesmobile blasts through the ravaged wasteland of North Birmingham and reaches the warehouse in good time. The obliging warehouse staff fill out the required forms, their ballpoints travelling over the carbon copy forms at a hypnotically slow speed. This feeble attempt at mind control is nothing to our trusty trio, and they leap into the scary white van with great courage. Their intelligence is temporary defeated by the lack of seatbelt catch, but their collective mind power is enought to break its invisibility spell and force it to reappear underneath the driver's seat. At 9.30 Mr Fix It All Up bravely takes the wheel and they speed off down the M6 towards the ex-marshlands of their former home.

But powerful forces are working against our heroes. The petrol tank warning light comes on. The gods of unsatisfactoriness have struck their first blow. They turn off the motorway. Will their powers of observation be enough to find a petrol station? The motorway network has them in its power, sucking them ever deeper through roundabouts and junctions. "God damn!" exclaims Mr Fix It All Up, calling on the powerful idiom of his native land.

9.45 At last, our resourceful hero steers the scary white van into a petrol station and fills up. Powerful Pete prescribes chocolate all round, and fortified by the power of cocoa, our brave band soldiers on.

10.15 The power of calculation comes into play. The warehouse closes at 5pm. We need an hour to unload. The gods of unsatisfactoriness have already stolen two hours between leaving Quakerland and arriving at Walsall. Therefore, if it takes us an hour and a half to get to Pylon View, we will have an hour and a half to load before we must leave. Things seem possible. What can go wrong?

12.16 We hit traffic outside Christminster. Little Brother phones and we delay him.

12.30 We arrive at Pylon View. The grass is overgrown. It looks sad and neglected. We feel glad we don't live there any more. The driveway is blocked by a lorry. The obliging owners move it. Fix It All Up sprints into town and retrieves the keys from the estate agents. We open the front door. It gets stuck under a huge heap of newspapers, big enough to fill an entire dustbin bag. Incompetent restrains her archival instincts to sort them out.

We have an hour to empty the shed and loft, and move the fridge and washing machine. The tension builds.

Little Brother arrives. They move the washing machine. They move the fridge. Incompetent begins to empty the shed. The others climb into the loft and discover the tenants have stolen the loft ladder. They throw the boxes of rubbish out of the loft. "Do you really want all this rubbish?" someone asks. Pictures of Incompetenet and Fix It All Up in their careless youth cause much amusement.

Incompetent works on the shed. It is full of empty pots of paint and screwed up bits of newspaper. There are also some useful rubbish bags.

1.25 The van is loaded. After a quick trip to the shop for pasties and drinks, they say a fond farewell to Little Brother and leap into the van. To avoid the traffic on the way back, they take the country route. Powerful Pete's mapreading saves the day. They wind through the beautiful Oxfordshire landscape, like a garden not a wilderness, and join the motorway near Banbury. Sleep overcomes Incompetent and Powerful and they sweetly doze as Fix It All Up steers the van with by now, complete confidence.

4.00 They arrive at the warehouse. Once again, the time-guzzling powers of staff form-filling eat away 30 precious minutes.

4.30 They have half an hour to unload the van.

5.00 The catch closes on the warehouse door. They've finished.

Our tired trio jump into the Fadesmobile and speed off through the wilds of Brum for a restorative curry.

Watch this space, folks, for more tales of moving mayhem!